In order to create a successful relationship in the long run or for you to excel at your job, these three characteristics must line up with the other person or with the company you are working at. These three things are the foundation on which your reality is played out…they are essentially who you are, what you believe and how you believe the world should be. I call this the VIP Method and if you use this method of evaluation for your relationships and your job, you will always be aware of where you stand and the direction in which your life is going. It’s like a Life GPS where you not only have the ability to see where you are at right now, but you’re also able to make adjustments if you determine that you’re not going in the right direction…for you.
The 3 Must-Haves for a Successful Relationship or Career
Why are Compatible Values So Important in a Relationship or Job?
Values are the building blocks on which you create the foundation of YOU. You use your selected value group, or “Core Values” to determine what is “right” and what is “wrong” in your world.
The values you choose as the most important to you, shape both your perceptions of YOU as well as the world that surrounds you. They act as the guiding force that shapes your behavior. Unfortunately, though, you still have the Ego and its crappy negative programs that tend to jump in the way of your values message, resulting in situations where your behavior doesn’t match your core values.
An example of a person’s values would include kindness, achievement, ambition, character, compassion, compromise, confidence, forgiveness, generosity, honesty, integrity, loyalty, passion, patience, respect, responsibility and trust. For a more complete list of values go to http://www.values.com/teaching-values
Exercise: Go to values.com and create a “core value foundation” sheet, which is basically choosing the five core values that you want to build yourself on top of…like the buildings blocks of a foundation below your house. Instinctively, we humans prioritize pretty much everything as a survival method and values are no exception. Out of the five values there tends to be one or two that rise to the top as your strongest guiding value(s)…those will be your first and second choice as your guiding principle of thought and behavior in any given circumstance or decision making situation you find yourself.
Now, the issue with relationships and a job comes down to value compatibility. Even if you’re in a situation where you’re with someone that shares a ton of similar interests, all the way down to flavor of toothpaste or undying appreciation for the artistic value of Wes Anderson movies, it will not last unless you share relatively similar core values.
For instance, if I am volunteering because I want to help people and give back and my significant other’s motivation for volunteering is networking for business contacts, then that will ultimately result in an issue.
In terms of a job, I could be doing pharmaceutical sales, selling a drug that can help a lot of people, but work for a company that values making money more than helping people…this would eventually eat at me where I wouldn’t be able to justify my acceptance of the company’s mission because I’m getting a fat paycheck.
The big issue with values is that usually it takes a little while with a person or at a company to start to see what their guiding values are. The best possible move on your part is to ask indirect questions, or pose hypothetical situations to your date or at your job interview and see how they answer.
Why Intelligence Levels Matter
In the VIP Method, Intelligence means your level of awareness and understanding in relation to your significant other or the company you work for.
We have already done a show on relationships and levels of intelligence, which concludes along the same lines as what we are saying here. Basically, you don’t necessarily have to have the same level of the same “type” of intelligence, but both of you have to have your “intelligence tanks” filled to around the same level, or else there will be a subconscious respect issue and the person that has the fuller tank will tend to use the advantage in a negative way to gain a level of superiority over the other person in situations where there is a disagreement.
I have personally been in this situation a number of times and in hindsight, I knew the gap was there and I got into the relationship BECAUSE the gap was there…this stemmed from a negative Ego pattern, a self-esteem issue where I had to be “right” to validate my worth, which means in disagreements I knew I had the upper hand going in.
In a work-related situation, there is always going to be a somewhat wide intelligence gap at the beginning of the job, until you get ramped up and start to get into the flow of the company. The problem arises the second you realize the type of intelligence you need for your job may not be your strong suite and, try as you might, you’re just not wired to excel at that particular job.
An issue also occurs if, once you get dialed in and have invested some time at the company, you start to realize that you are more intelligent than your boss and/or upper management and you start to provide your thoughts and ideas to them and they become threatened and basically beat you down or subconsciously label you a threat to their livelihood. The only way this scenario plays out well for you is if the management staff is aware enough and all focused on what’s good for the company, and welcomes your unique perspective and input.
Here’s Something You Can Do
Take a look at the nine types of intelligence graph to get an idea of your areas of strength. Then, when you’re dating, ask questions and listen closely to how the person processes the world around them and is able to “follow you” in your discussions or how well they can “form an opinion”.
As far as a job goes, you may not have much of a choice when it comes to entry level stuff…I know it’s a “get what you can” situation, but once you’re in a position to bounce, or if you have multiple options, take a look at the company’s recent achievements and research their upper management to see how they conduct themselves when interviewed. This will tell everything about a company because any company’s identity is a direct reflection on the founder or the CEO or the upper management group.
The Surprising Impact of Personality on a Relationship or at Your Job
The last step of the VIP Method is an analysis of Personality.
Personality in this situation is defined as your vibe or the ways in which you express yourself to the outside world. We did a show on personality types using the Myers/Briggs Model and we have talked about the Personality Quadrant, which divides people up into either Leaders, Supporters, Analysts or Promoters. The Myers/Briggs types are the extroverts vs. introverts, intuitive vs. sensing, thinking vs. feeling and judging vs. perceiving.
If you have ever gone through a personality assessment then you have a pretty good idea of where you stand. And, I’m thinking over the years you have gravitated towards other people who have had personalities that may not have been the same as yours, but have been “complementary” to your own personality.
For instance, on the website massmatch.com, they indicate the types of personalities that would be comparable with each other and in a lot of instances different personality types have a tendency to do very well with each other. For instance, an ENTP like myself (Excited by possibilities, eternal optimist, value knowledge, sociable, tend to take on too many projects) are paired well with another ENTP but also work well with an INFJ, which is a person that is introverted, has a deep concern for people, idealist, stubborn and can be self-absorbed at times.
Personality compatibility is not as important as values and intelligence but does play a role in how a couple or how a workplace environment functions during crisis situations, where incompatible personalities will have a greater potential to be taken out of context.
An example is like when a smart ass extroverted guy forgets to call a girl back, then she calls to see what the deal is and his personality leads him to tell some stupid story that he thinks is hilarious, to break the tension, and she just gets more pissed because to her, he’s not communicating that he cares about her feelings. And, at the workplace, your dry response to why you didn’t put a new cover letter on the TPS reports would come across to your boss as “not caring” if he/she has an incompatible personality.
Here’s What You Can Do
Take the Myer’s Briggs then take a look at the compatibility chart on massmatch to give you an idea as to what the data says about compatible personalities to you. Then, you can ask your date or SO if they’ve taken one and do some comparing. When it comes to the work environment, it’s really important to sit back and take a look at the overriding personality of your office, which typically set by your boss or the higher-ups. Since you are a subordinate in this scenario, you’ll have to decide if you can work with the company personality. If you can’t, then start looking elsewhere.